Unlearning Study Skills
One Mom's Act of Resistance
My 14-year-old son, Nico, an eighth grader, started online school this semester so he would have time to pursue his freeride skiing competitions. For the backstory, this is the 6th time he’s changed schools – Idaho private, Idaho public, Wyoming public, Wyoming private, Wyoming public again, and now online. And we haven’t moved more than 20 miles during this time. Let’s just say, despite (in spite?) of scoring in the percentile every parent dreams of on every standardized test he’s ever taken, school is not his thing.
Online school isn’t turning out to be his thing, either. Or is it? Over this past epic winter, we skied a LOT of fresh powder and traveled to a LOT of ski competitions. Now that skiing is over, Nico secured his first job at a great local bike shop and spends the bulk of his days (when he’s not watching his damn phone) cooking. Yesterday he made from scratch: 1) eggs benedict; 2) chicken-fried steak with gravy; 3) rosemary and garlic mashed potatoes and a maple mint sauce he’s been working to perfect to go on the lamb chops I cooked. Three home-cooked sauces in one day. That’s a lot of pans and grease spatters on the stove.
So here’s where it gets twisted – I found myself constantly annoyed that there were too many messes and that he or I may gain weight eating all this glorious food. I was stressing out because he was creating SLOW FOOD. WTF?! Stop!
A few weeks ago, after a climbing adventure in Colorado with his dad, he was got way behind in school - like 20 assignments behind. He has been catching up ever since, but this required (or so I thought) constant nagging on my part while he sautées and grills and blends away the day. We finally had a blow-up a week or so ago … one we’ve had many times before … but this time, it ended differently:
Nico: “You say you want to give me choices, give me control, but if you don’t like my choices, you take control anyway. Why even bother saying I have a choice”
Mom: “But Nico, you HAVE TO DO blah blah blah.”
N: “I’ll do it. I got this. I know what I need to do.”
M: OK. I guess really the problem here is me. I need to let go of making sure you do your work so that you can show up on time to lacrosse practice. To do that, I need to accept that you might fail. Are you OK with that?
N: Yessss Moooom.
I backed off and tried to distract myself when I found myself in a tizzy that he was watching cooking or mountain bike videos or whipping up a pie when he was still 13 assignments behind. Like going on a diet or quitting drinking, I was good for a few days, but then I started back up.
M: “You can’t go to work until … “
M: “I’m going to disconnect your phone from ATT until …”
M: “You can’t go mountain biking until … “
This week he said he was all caught up … but when I logged into the online school, nine weeks of “Study Skills” assignments were still unfinished.
N: “Mom, I told you. I’m not doing those. I don’t need to. They are stupid.”
M: “But it seems like exactly what you need most.”
N: “No, Mom, they are stupid busy work. I’m getting all my important classes done. I’m not doing them.”
M: “But … but … but … you HAVE TO …”
N: No. I don’t.
And then it came to me – in the middle of the night, a complete re-organization of my thoughts. The day before was a Monday. Normally, I am calm and focused after a long, fun weekend, but I felt totally discombobulated all day. More than usual, I contemplated radical change. I spent two hours mapping out toxic masculine and feminine qualities to avoid and ideas for challenging the societal constructs of a “capitalistic machine.” often equated with “the patriarchy.” Dismantle It! They say. But like everything in life, neither all nor none is the answer. This brings me back to the question I ask myself daily – How do we jettison what no longer serves us and cultivate the good stuff?
I know you’re thinking about this too. So, it turns out, are our kids. Thankfully. Hopefully.
Over the weekend, on the four-hour drive to Salt Lake to play lacrosse, Nico did watch a video for one of the unfinished Study Skills units. I’d stooped to the lowest low a parent can stoop – bribery. He wanted some new clothes, and I’d told him I’d give him $10 per class to spend at the mall if he finished them all by midnight. Played at a barely comprehensible 1.5 x speed, colorful blogs and bits of information flashed on the screen while a dude listed about 30 different apps for staying organized … notetakers, spreadsheets, reminders, Google, EverNote, iCal, Trello … and then, just before Nico slammed the computer cover down, the perky presenter started jabbering about how important it is to keep up on your organizing by organizing your organization systems.
In the middle of the night, I realized that those damn “Study Skills” units were all about training our kids how to manage the insane busy pace of life and overload of information so they can be “productive.” So they can keep the system going. So they can “learn” to schedule 30 minutes to run, rest, play video games, or cook. So they don’t have time to think about what they are doing and why.
Do what you want. Resist. Slow Down. Live your passion. Think for yourself. Do it from scratch. Create. Say No.
These are my mantras for life on purpose. Yet when Nico does these things, I can’t seem to let go of, aka UNLEARN, my 59 years of Western civilization programming that keeps me busy as a bee and afraid that without the best college, best job, best body, best blah blah blah my son is somehow doomed to a life of … what? Fun? Adventure? Cooking? Creating? Powder skiing? Love?
F*%$ those Study Skills! At least for today …
When it comes to resistance, I have a few favorite Substack writers who are also mothers and are in the process of unlearning.
OR PLEASE CONSIDER THIS :-)
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I love this. Growing up and learning I was ADD, I always struggled in school and with staying focused on literally anything. My mom and I would but heads often when it came to school work. I distinctly remember a significant improvement in our relationship when she decided to back off. If I failed, then I failed. I took chemistry twice in high school. I learned how to be more responsible and the consequences if I wasn’t. But my relationship with my mom improved the moment she started treating me as an equal instead of someone she had to put in line. I know my particular situation may be a bit different now, but that’s something I remember about how my mom and I worked things out when I was a teenager. I was stubborn, and god bless her soul for putting up with my bullshit.